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:iconthemetheydontsee: More from TheMeTheyDontSee


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Literature by DragonsChest


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Submitted on
August 8, 2013
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As death approached, the girl just smiled.
"You've kept me waiting for quite a while."
He wonders "Shouldn't death you fear?"
"I've always thought that death was near."
The girl turned away to sink what she said.
"I have always felt I was already dead.
I float through this world without a care.
It's almost like I'm not really there.
So, no I'm not afraid of no longer being.
You can see that I'm already nothing."

Death just nodded.  What she said was true.
"Regardless it is time for me to take you."
The girl stood up, all ready to go.
An afterlife she thought, wasn't likely to show.
Death did his duty, and took her away.
The girl finally had her awaited day.
Can you tell who says what? Should I do something to make it more obvious?
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:icon04superstar:
04superstar Featured By Owner May 23, 2014
WARNING! Carry on reading! Or you will die, even if you only looked at the word warning!Once there was a little girl called Clarissa, she was ten-years-old and she lived in a mental hospital, because she killed her mom and her dad. She got so bad she went to kill all the staff in the hospital so the More-government decided that best idea was to get rid of her so they set up a special room to kill her, as humane as possible but it went wrong the machine they were using went wrong. And she sat there in agony for hours until she died.Now every week on the day of her death she returns to the person that reads this letter, on a monday night at 12:00a.m. She creeps into your room and kills you slowly, by cutting you and watching you bleed to death.Now send this to ten other pictures on this one site, and she will haunt someone else who doesn't. This isn't fake. apparently, if u copy and paste this to ten comments in the next ten minutes u will have the best day of ur life tomorrow. u will either get kissed or asked out, if u break this chain u will see a little dead girl in your room tonight. in 53 mins someone will say i love you or im sorryReply
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:iconayyske:
Ayyske Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You have a good rhythm to start with in the first four lines, with each having eight syllables (except second line, remove "for")
This rhythm rapidly deteriorates later with lines varying from seven to twelve lines and the flow of the syllables no longer runs smoothly.

The theme you're touching on is intriguing, but simplistic. I see great opportunity to elaborate. What is this girl's story? Is there a reason she doesn't fear death? (Right now it seems only like she's ambiguously depressed.) Is her story important, are her reasons important? And is the fact that she doesn't believe in an afterlife really relevant at all?

I'd also like to see you experiment with rhyme scheme. aabbcc is all well and good, but don't limit yourself. Focus instead on what you need to say. Focus on saying things that can be left out, say things that keep the poem and the story behind it moving forward. And wherever things like rhythm and rhyme fall into place, allow them to, but don't force them.

Above all just keep writing. I see potential in you, and prowess with language choice and meter will come with practice :3
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:iconjadedstrayhyena:
JadedStrayHyena Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Fascinating poem. I know some people don't fear death, but a child? Wow.
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:iconnightborn-dreamer:
Nightborn-Dreamer Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013
What a wonderful and lovely poem! I didn't have any trouble telling who was talking. I think you did just fine there. :3
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:iconthemetheydontsee:
TheMeTheyDontSee Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
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:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013
Beautiful. And, it's true, death sould not be feared.
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:iconthemetheydontsee:
TheMeTheyDontSee Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconkillerlord123:
killerlord123 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013
No problem.
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:iconxxxmusicninjaxxx:
xXxMusicNinjaxXx Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely wonderful. Very sad and tells a sad story, but, it's very good. Great job!
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:iconthemetheydontsee:
TheMeTheyDontSee Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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