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Submitted on
August 8, 2013
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86 (who?)
As death approached, the girl just smiled.
"You've kept me waiting for quite a while."
He wonders "Shouldn't death you fear?"
"I've always thought that death was near."
The girl turned away to sink what she said.
"I have always felt I was already dead.
I float through this world without a care.
It's almost like I'm not really there.
So, no I'm not afraid of no longer being.
You can see that I'm already nothing."

Death just nodded.  What she said was true.
"Regardless it is time for me to take you."
The girl stood up, all ready to go.
An afterlife she thought, wasn't likely to show.
Death did his duty, and took her away.
The girl finally had her awaited day.
Can you tell who says what? Should I do something to make it more obvious?
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Ayyske Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You have a good rhythm to start with in the first four lines, with each having eight syllables (except second line, remove "for")
This rhythm rapidly deteriorates later with lines varying from seven to twelve lines and the flow of the syllables no longer runs smoothly.

The theme you're touching on is intriguing, but simplistic. I see great opportunity to elaborate. What is this girl's story? Is there a reason she doesn't fear death? (Right now it seems only like she's ambiguously depressed.) Is her story important, are her reasons important? And is the fact that she doesn't believe in an afterlife really relevant at all?

I'd also like to see you experiment with rhyme scheme. aabbcc is all well and good, but don't limit yourself. Focus instead on what you need to say. Focus on saying things that can be left out, say things that keep the poem and the story behind it moving forward. And wherever things like rhythm and rhyme fall into place, allow them to, but don't force them.

Above all just keep writing. I see potential in you, and prowess with language choice and meter will come with practice :3
JadedStrayHyena Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Fascinating poem. I know some people don't fear death, but a child? Wow.
What a wonderful and lovely poem! I didn't have any trouble telling who was talking. I think you did just fine there. :3
TheMeTheyDontSee Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
Beautiful. And, it's true, death sould not be feared.
TheMeTheyDontSee Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
xXxMusicNinjaxXx Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely wonderful. Very sad and tells a sad story, but, it's very good. Great job!
TheMeTheyDontSee Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
PixelatedPanda Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I absolutely love this. Beautiful, short, and sweet. And you kept it flowing smooth. :) Nicely done! :heart:
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