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Tick TockTick tock, the time goes by.
I lay so still and wonder why.
Thoughts racing through my head.
Almost think I'd rather be dead,
Then go through these pointless motions.
Am I depressed or devoid of emotion?
With no happiness, I only feel pain.
Faking this smile is just a drain.
I don't know how much til I crack.
Almost wish for an anxiety attack.
What comes next? More of the same?
A suicide shouldn't be my aim.
When all seems lost, what do you do?
Getting some sleep would be something new.
DizzyDizzy, dizzy. What's wrong with me?
My thoughts used to be so free.
I don't know what's clouding my mind.
Grasping for a reason to find.
Sluggish feeling. I want to stay here.
With this distance nothing seems near.
Doctor says that I'm just fine.
Tell that to this feeling of mine.
But with depression and anxiety rising,
This feeling isn't really surprising.
Gotta fix it. There must be a way.
It continues day after day.
This depressing feeling brings me down.
No way to fix it that I've found.
But I gotta try even more.
I want things back how they were before.
Happy As Could BeThe boy was as happy as could be.
A joy to everyone he would see.
Stop and chat for a while.
He could make anyone smile.
Everyone wished they could be him.
So pure he was, without sin.
But he loved to be by himself.
He had hid from everyone else.
All the smiles were in vain.
His mind was filled with pain.
He didn't know how to end.
Known not by a single friend.
Everyone thought he was fine.
He gave a smile for the last time.
AloneA dark feeling waves over me.
Right now it's all that I can see.
I look around, but no one's here.
Being alone is my deepest fear.
I try to get out and see what's around.
But not a single friend to be found.
They smile politely, but it's not real.
They don't understand how I feel.
If nothing else at least there's some away.
But when we talk there's nothing to say.
I try to speak, but nobody's there.
I just want someone to show that they care.
My old friendships just seem to die.
I wonder if I should even try.
When I do, I feel so much worse.
This empty feeling is such a curse.
Maybe I should just stop trying.
Maybe that can stop me from crying.
PillsDon't only the crazies need to take pills?
The though of going gives me chills.
On medication, how will I be?
Will I really feel like I am me?
Zombie is the way people often describe.
Of course it depends the pill they prescribe.
Let's play with my head like it's a game.
I know that things won't feel the same.
Depression is something I want somehow.
I want to be exactly as I am now.
I can't remember a time ever being without.
But my head shouldn't be filled with doubt.
I know that depression can really kill.
I've felt what it does, but somehow still...
Depression has become my abusive partner.
No matter how much it hurts, I only want her.
But I know that it causes too much pain.
And my energy all seems to drain.
So maybe medication is what I must do.
Hope is all I have to hold on to.
Between Life and DeathEvery time I think of it,
The pain comes back strong.
You hurt me so bad,
Made me feel so wrong.
I reached out for you,
But you weren't there.
I told you I would die,
But you didn't care.
I really don't know,
Why I didn't die that day.
I've tried to find out,
But I can't really say.
Sometimes I really wonder,
If I am still living,
Or if this is just a dream,
That some coma is giving?
When it comes down to it,
I really should be dead.
I wonder if you understand,
How bad it is what you said.
In between life and death,
Is how I'll spend eternity.
I wish I could understand.
Why you would ever hurt me.
Protect MeProtect me from strangers,
Those that want to harm.
Protect me from liars,
Using me for their good.
Protect me from my heart,
It's so easy to break.
Protect me from the voice,
She has such anger.
Protect me from depression,
It can overwhelm.
Protect me from myself,
I'm the biggest threat.
ObsessionYou are my obsession.
Source of my depression.
One that I crave.
Love that is depraved.
I still hold on to.
I would die for you.
Even if you're not here.
My mind just won't clear.
Only one I want.
Mentally I attack.
I'd still take you back.
Glad you disappeared.
Return I feared.
Walk through my door.
Want you even more.
Wonder if I'll heal.
Was this even real?
MaskI put on a mask to hide my face.
I make sure that it leaves no trace.
I want to open up myself and share,
But if I do will you still be there?
My thoughts are more twisted than you know.
My self-esteem's extremely low.
Sometimes I have so much fear.
It's so tough to keep my head clear.
I want to kill myself all the time,
But I just tell you that I'm fine.
Sometimes I want to kill others.
That's something you can never discover.
And so I keep it hidden inside.
I don't know if it's fear or pride.
This will change your image of me.
You'll run away from what you see.
You'll never look at me the same.
I don't want to play this game.
So I'll keep myself locked away.
It doesn't matter what I want to say.
Keeping up my high wall,
Is the closest to not being this at all.
I just see it as you trying to control me,
Trying to turn me into something I’m not.
It’s like you want me to be sad, depressed and lonely
And that is why you break and regulate everything I've got.
Can’t you see I am doing this for your own good?
That I am trying to protect from all what is bad out there.
If I didn't do it, I can guarantee you that nobody else would.
It was never my intention to turn your life into a living nightmare.
You’re not protecting me, you’re preventing me,
Stopping me from taking and making my own decisions.
Even before I say or do anything wrong, you’re correcting me
And that is why I go to all these places without your permission.
As long as you are under my roof, you will abide by my rules.
You cannot see it now but in the future you will thank me.
That means I want you to go to and come straight home from school.
Recently your attitude stinks, so think before you speak and get an
The Show Must Go On.The Show Must Go On.
You’re meant to be sad,
As long as the flowers last.
Well at least that’s what they say.
Then why do I still feel bad,
Even though time has passed.
I find myself thinking about you everyday.
After mourning and mourning,
On the dawning of the next morning.
Your unplanned departure will still be daunting.
How am I supposed to grasp your sudden disappearance?
When every time I close my eyes I can see your appearance.
How can I class your death as an untimely interference?
One that is destined to occur throughout my life time and time again.
These engraved names are the people I call my family, confidants and friends.
They say I should take each day as they come and try and pretend
As if you are still here amongst us, looking down from above.
As comforting as that thought is, it will never be enough.
You not being here is a reality I am forced to take.
Living a life without you was a decision I was forced to make.
Sometimes I can’t help but think that
Someone Else.Someone Else.
I wish I had a...
A heart that is malleable.
A mind that isn’t practical
And a life that is fanciful.
I wish I had a...
Tranquil touch that never hurts.
A mouth that thinks before it spurts
And a body that is control of its nerves.
I wish I had...
Feet that are confident and able walk fast.
Hopeful hands that have a firm but soft grasp
And an ass that can rebound after every task.
I wish I had a smile that is permanent.
I wish I had eyes that were not so observant.
I wish I had the mass to withstand any disturbance.
Sometimes I wish I could be a completely different person.
Man Made the Money.Man Made the Money.
We think that if we had more money everything would be different.
That we would suddenly be able do all the things we always desired.
Because the lives we lead right now have become predictable and consistent.
And should we choose to, we could be the ones that are rejoiced and admired.
We could be the ones on the front cover of every magazine.
We could be the ones appearing on everyone’s television screen.
We could be the ones that the paparazzi haunt and terrorise.
We could be the ones that have our every move televised.
With the aid of money we could have unlimited vacations
And have access to an infinite amount of beneficial relations.
We could be the ones flocking and flaunting the finest fabrics
And every trivial experience we encounter will cause a global panic.
We could give back to charity and help to make the world a better place
We could cosmetically alter our bodies and readjust the features on our face.
We can become anyone we choose and crave.
Week to Weak.Week to Weak.
Why is it the week days go so slow?
But yet the weekends are over in an instant.
I have gotten so used to being constantly on the go,
That every part of my life has become routinely consistent.
Whenever I have a time slot that is vacantly free,
I feel as if I should be developing or preparing for something else.
I always feel as if there is somewhere else that I was meant to be.
I never take full advantage of the short intervals I have to myself.
I’ve had enough of the early mornings and the constant yawning.
Dreaming of over sleeping and then opening my eyes all of a sudden.
Even the usual serene sounds of the birds chirping have become haunting.
Every morning I wake up to my annoying alarm and tap the snooze button.
I work, wait and anticipate for the week to end.
Making hopeful plans to catch up with some old friends.
And before you know it Monday has dawned once again.
I wish the weekends had more days imbedded in-between them.
The Outlook Is BleakOh, woe is me, the outlook is bleak
As bleak as the moors in the midwinter
As bleak as the balsa wood splinter
That’s imbedded deep in to my finger
As I run my calloused hands softly
Over your recently polished casket
Bow my head beneath the church steeple
Dismiss thoughts that are iconoclastic
Oh, woe is me, the outlook is grim
My routine’s based solely on surviving
Goodness me, my ambition’s been crushed
While their great expectations are rising
Just like the high rise, brutalist flats
And the tormented tenement buildings
A concrete encapsulated fate
Scrapes the skies of the dreams of my children
Oh, woe is me, the outlook is bleak
As bleak as the tyre tarnished roadkill
Though sympathy eludes my conscience
As one day we will all become landfill
But in that state of pitch black darkness
It’ll become easier to see the light
And your soul will escape your body
If it has not already taken flight
Nobody has the answers
But everybody has the Y’s.
Speculations of a faultless green pasture,
Based on a line of best fit that was drawn to lie.
The solution is a sequence of random numbers and dates.
In addition to a complicated sum of love, grief, fear and hate.
Which form a unique equation that can never be revealed.
It’s the only bit of ignorance that still remains concealed.
Even though we may feel defenseless.
The possibilities are endless.
The opportunities are relentless.
Opinions become senseless
And still we lie restless.
Attempting to solve the unsolvable
And control the uncontrollable.
To know the unknowable.
Inside Out.Inside Out.
Do you love my insides?
You know the parts you can’t see.
The parts that constructively divide,
All the places where you can’t be.
Do you love my internals?
You know all my unexploited crevices.
All the words I leave out of my journal.
The soft tissue areas that offer no benefits.
Do you love my fleshy, raw fillings?
You know the boring and bloody parts.
The features that are not made for kissing.
The invisible strokes that add to this body of art.
You see it’s my exterior that attracts you
But it’s my interior that made this possible.
So when my insecurities inadvertently attack you,
Don’t be so swift to class me as distrusting and illogical.
I need to know and to understand.
That you truly love me for who I am.
Even the parts of me you cannot see
Because those are the places where I want you to be.
When I talk, you don’t listen.
You’re just waiting for your turn to speak.
You view every conversation as a competition.
All I can see is the unstoppable movement of your cheeks.
The flow of communication is always re directed back to you.
Almost as if everyone must hear what you have to say.
I’m not denying that half of what you say could actually be true.
But how can so much happen to a person in just one mere day.
What makes it worse is that your stories get recycled and repeated.
I zone in and out of your speeches and know exactly what happens next.
My place in the conversation is to respond and nod when needed.
If you can’t tell me in person, you incessantly try to call me or even text.
I can feel my tolerance and patience gradually wearing thin.
I am not even sure how much longer I can hold it in.
I want to tell you the truth but I don’t know how to phrase it.
Because I know once it is delivered, it is impossible to erase it.
So I have
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^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More